An X'mas forward

Merry Christmas !   
As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all
of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards"
over the past 12 months. 

Thank you for making me  feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the  same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God"
on their cans.

I no longer use Gladwrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by DHL or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free
replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Myers or David Jones since I
now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in
the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time) .

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return
the favour!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a
arge pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
(Australian WST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician.

Happy Holidays in advance !

( thanks, PPinto ! )