New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk
to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days:
mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
Baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards
are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man,
they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:
Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket?
Water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time Grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target,
you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the a****le. If you walk into a Starbucks and
order a "Decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," oh oh,
you're a huge a*****le !
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