the funny stuff cluttering my inbox ...... enjoy !
Bush flies to Mexico to meet with the Mexican president.
Driving in from the airport in the limousine, Bush looks through
the window at all the Mexican men, women and children going
about their business outside.
He turns to the Mexican president beside him and says, "I thought
we had a problem with illegal aliens in the States but, jeez,
they're all over the place down here."
A beautiful young woman on an international flight, asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is
there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your
robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."
The Magician and The Captain's Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the
table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning
almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for
a day ... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said,
"Okay, I give up. Where's the ***kin' ship?"
The husband had just finished reading a new book, "YOU CAN BE THE
MAN OF YOUR HOUSE."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need
to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will
have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so
I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The ****ing funeral director would be my guess."
Heaven's Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "what are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock
will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's, the hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "that's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe told only two lies in
his entire life."
"So where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office - he's using it as a ceiling fan."
This last one is not really a joke but an unfortunate use of words
by the AFP's Jocelyne Zablit ......Butt Facials ???
No comments:
Post a Comment